Parenting a child who struggles emotionally or behaviorally can be exhausting. The outbursts, defiance, and constant battles can leave you feeling helpless, frustrated, and sometimes even like you’re failing. But what if the real challenge isn’t about controlling your child’s behavior—but understanding it?
Dr. Gabor Maté, a world-renowned physician and trauma expert, offers a perspective that may feel like a deep breath of relief: Your child doesn’t need to be “fixed.” They need to be understood. And as their parent, you have the power to be their safe harbor—the steady, compassionate presence that helps them heal.
Your Child’s Behavior Is Not a Reflection of Your Parenting
First and foremost, if you are struggling, please know this: You are NOT a bad parent. Having a child who experiences emotional distress or acts out does not mean you have failed. It simply means your child is having a hard time, and like all of us, they express their pain in the ways they know how.
Dr. Maté reminds us that a child’s behavior is deeply connected to their environment—especially their relationships with their caregivers. This does not mean blame should be placed on parents. Rather, it highlights how stress, pressure, and emotional overwhelm in the family can shape a child’s emotional world.
When children struggle, parents often feel immense pressure to “fix” things—to stop the meltdowns, reduce defiance, and get them to “behave.” But true healing doesn’t come from controlling behavior. It comes from connection.
The Power of Seeing Your Child’s Struggle Differently
Instead of asking, “How do I make this behavior stop?” consider this: What is my child trying to express?
Your child’s behaviors—whether it’s aggression, withdrawal, or defiance—are not random. They are signals. They are communicating emotions they may not have the words for yet. Instead of immediately correcting or disciplining, try pausing and asking:
- What are you feeling right now?
- Are you upset about something?
- What was happening before you started feeling this way?
When you shift your focus from control to curiosity, something powerful happens: Your child feels seen. And when children feel truly understood, they are more likely to open up, regulate their emotions, and develop healthier ways of coping.
It’s Not About Perfection—It’s About Presence
Some days, it will feel impossible to stay patient and calm. Some days, your child’s emotions will trigger your own. That’s okay. What matters most is that, over time, you show up as their safe harbor—the person they know will listen, hold space, and love them even when things are messy.
Dr. Maté explains that children who struggle the most often lack one key relationship: someone who simply gets it. Someone who isn’t trying to fix them or dismiss their emotions, but who simply sits with them in their experience.
You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to be a perfect parent. Just being present—calm, curious, and compassionate—is enough to help your child feel safe in their relationship with you.
Healing Takes Time—And You Are Not Alone
In a world that values quick fixes, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing if your child’s struggles don’t resolve overnight. But healing, especially for children who have experienced stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm, takes time. Your child’s growth is not measured by how quickly they stop acting out—but by how deeply they begin to trust that they are safe with you.
So if today feels hard, remember this: The most powerful thing you can do is simply be there. Your presence, your willingness to listen, and your love are what your child needs most.
You are already making a difference.
