When a child is “acting out,” what do we typically imagine? A toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, a teenager slamming their bedroom door, or a preschooler refusing to follow directions. In everyday conversation, we often associate “acting out” with bad behavior, disrespect, or simply attention-seeking. But what if this interpretation is missing the bigger picture?
What Does “Acting Out” Really Mean?
The term acting out is actually quite literal—it means expressing emotions through actions when words aren’t available. Young children, whose brains and nervous systems are still developing, often struggle to articulate their feelings. Instead of saying, “I feel overwhelmed,” or “I need more connection,” they express those emotions through their behavior.
Think of it like traveling to a country where no one speaks your language. If you were hungry, you might gesture, point, or act out your need for food. Children do the same when their emotional needs aren’t being met—they communicate through behavior when they don’t have the words to explain what they’re feeling.
The Problem with Labeling Kids
A common phrase parents hear (or even say themselves) is: “Oh, they’re just looking for attention.” But what if we reframe that? Instead of seeing attention-seeking as manipulative or unnecessary, we recognize it for what it truly is: a child expressing a need to feel seen, heard, and valued.
When adults respond to acting out by focusing only on stopping the behavior—whether through punishments, lectures, or time-outs—it may lead to short-term compliance. However, it doesn’t address the deeper emotional need that caused the behavior in the first place. Children may stop the outburst, but they are still left feeling unseen, unheard, or disconnected.
Oppositional Behavior: It’s About Relationship
Some children seem to resist authority more than others, often labeled as oppositional or defiant. But rather than seeing this as a disorder in the child, what if we viewed it as a signal of a strained relationship?
Opposition doesn’t happen in isolation—it happens within a relationship. Children push back when they feel misunderstood, forced, or disconnected from the adults in their lives. The stronger the tension in the relationship, the stronger the resistance.
A simple way to visualize this is by pressing one hand against the other—your other hand will automatically push back. It’s instinctual. In the same way, when children feel controlled without feeling understood, they resist. This resistance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a natural response to feeling unheard or disconnected.
So, What Can Parents Do Instead?
Rather than focusing on stopping the behavior at all costs, take a step back and ask:
- What might my child be trying to express through this behavior?
- Are they feeling disconnected, unheard, overwhelmed, or stressed?
- How can I respond in a way that fosters connection rather than control?
Here are a few ways to shift the approach:
- Get curious, not frustrated. Instead of reacting with anger or discipline, try to understand what’s driving the behavior.
- Reframe “attention-seeking” as “connection-seeking.” When kids act out, they’re often asking for connection, not trying to manipulate.
- Validate their emotions. While not all behaviors are acceptable, all emotions are real and deserve acknowledgment. Saying “I see that you’re really frustrated right now” can help a child feel understood.
- Prioritize connection over correction. Strong, trusting relationships are what truly shape a child’s emotional growth—not strict discipline.
Final Thoughts
Children don’t act out because they’re bad; they act out because they’re struggling, overwhelmed, or lacking the words to express their emotions. When we shift our focus from punishing behaviors to understanding the feelings behind them, we create an environment where children feel safe to express themselves.
By understanding the messages behind their actions, we not only help them feel seen—we help them heal.
